Preparing for Couples Therapy
A handout for couples about to begin therapy together: what to expect, how emotionally focused couples therapy works, what makes it go well, and what each partner can do to get the most from it.
About this resource
Couples often arrive at a first session with very different expectations. One partner may hope the therapist will act as a referee and rule on who is right; the other may fear being blamed or ganged up on. Some expect a quick fix, others have already given up and are attending to prove they tried. Setting expectations early reduces dropout and helps both partners engage in the actual work, which in emotionally focused therapy is about understanding the pattern that has trapped them rather than adjudicating grievances.
This handout, written for both partners, explains the basic idea of EFT (that distress comes from a negative cycle driven by attachment fears, not from one partner's failings), describes what sessions look like across the stages of therapy, addresses common worries such as taking sides and confidentiality of individual sessions, and gives each partner a few concrete ways to prepare. It ends with a short reflection for each partner to complete before the first or second session.
The professional version adds guidance on using the handout as part of the assessment phase, screening questions to cover before committing to couples work (intimate partner violence, active affairs, untreated substance use, and whether both partners want the relationship to continue), and notes on how to handle the individual sessions that EFT includes early in treatment.
How to use it
- Send or give this handout after the initial contact and before the first joint session, or hand it out at the end of the first session with the reflection fields as homework.
- In the first session, check what each partner took from it. Ask directly what each is hoping for and what each is afraid of, and normalise the differences.
- Use the section on 'the cycle, not the person' as an early frame. Returning to it whenever the conversation slides into blame gives the couple a shared language.
- Complete the standard screening before committing to couples work: safety, ongoing affairs, substance use, and each partner's commitment. This handout is not a substitute for that assessment.
- Explain your policy on individual sessions and secrets before they happen, so neither partner is surprised by it later.
References
- Johnson, S. M. (2020). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection (3rd ed.). Routledge.
- Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown.
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (revised ed.). Harmony Books.
