Assertiveness
A worksheet for planning and practising an assertive response to a real situation: stating what you observe, how you feel, what you need, and what you are asking for, without aggression or backing down.
About this resource
Assertiveness is the ability to express needs, opinions and limits clearly and respectfully, while allowing others the same right. It sits between two less helpful styles: passive communication, where the person's needs go unspoken and resentment builds, and aggressive communication, where the person's needs are pursued at the expense of the relationship. Many clients with social anxiety default to the passive style because conflict feels dangerous; many clients with relationship difficulties swing between passivity and aggression, with the outburst often following a long period of silence.
This worksheet takes one specific situation and walks the client through a four-part assertive statement: a neutral description of the behaviour, a statement of feeling, a statement of need or impact, and a concrete request. It then prompts the client to anticipate the other person's response and plan how they will hold their position without escalating. The structure draws on the assertion training tradition within CBT and on the interpersonal effectiveness skills in DBT.
The professional version includes guidance on distinguishing assertiveness from demands, a note on cultural and power differences that affect what is safe to say, and prompts for role play in session. It also flags the common pattern in which a client writes an assertive script but delivers it with an apologetic tone or an escape clause that undoes the request.
How to use it
- Introduce the three communication styles (passive, aggressive, assertive) and ask the client to identify which they use most, and with whom. Normalise that most people vary by relationship.
- Choose a real, low to moderate stakes situation for the first attempt. Asking a housemate to wash their dishes is a better start than confronting a parent about a childhood grievance.
- Complete the four-part statement together. Watch for judgements disguised as observations ('you were rude') and help the client rewrite them as behaviours ('you interrupted me twice').
- Role play the conversation in session, with the clinician playing a mildly difficult version of the other person. Practise the broken record technique: calmly repeating the request rather than arguing each point.
- Set the conversation as a between-session task, and debrief the outcome. If it went badly, examine whether the problem was the script, the delivery, or the other person, and plan the next step accordingly.
References
- Alberti, R. E., & Emmons, M. L. (2017). Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships (10th ed.). Impact Publishers.
- Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
- Speed, B. C., Goldstein, B. L., & Goldfried, M. R. (2018). Assertiveness training: A forgotten evidence-based treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 25(1), e12216.
