Appreciation and Fondness Practice

About this resource

In distressed relationships, partners' attention narrows to what is wrong. Each partner scans for the other's failures, remembers slights more readily than kindnesses, and stops noticing or mentioning what they still value. This negative sentiment override means that even neutral or positive acts get read as neutral at best. Gottman's research identified a maintained culture of fondness and admiration as one of the strongest protective factors in lasting relationships, and its absence as the ground in which contempt grows. From an emotionally focused perspective, voiced appreciation is a small act of responsiveness that tells the partner they are seen and valued, which is the core of a secure bond.

This exercise is deliberately simple: each day, each partner notices one specific thing they appreciate about the other or something the other did, and says it out loud. The structure matters. Appreciation must be specific rather than general, must be spoken rather than assumed, and must be received rather than deflected. The exercise also includes a brief self-compassion element: partners are asked to notice the discomfort that can arise when giving or receiving warmth in a relationship that has become guarded, and to treat that discomfort kindly rather than let it stop the practice.

The professional version adds guidance on the partner who says there is nothing to appreciate, on the partner who cannot receive appreciation without suspicion, and on how to use the practice logs to track shifts in the couple's attention over the course of therapy.

How to use it

1. Introduce the idea that attention in a distressed relationship becomes biased toward the negative, and that this bias can be retrained deliberately. Most couples recognise the pattern immediately.
2. Do the exercise once in session. Ask each partner to identify something specific from the past week and say it directly to the other. Coach for specificity and for receiving without deflection.
3. If a partner says there is nothing to appreciate, lower the bar: something small, something from years ago, a quality rather than an act. Normalise that this difficulty is itself a sign of the bias, not of the partner's worthlessness.
4. Prescribe the exercise daily for at least two weeks, with the practice log completed a few times a week. Ask the couple to notice what it is like to give and to receive, not only what is said.
5. Review the logs. Look for shifts in what partners are noticing and in how appreciation is being received. Link the practice to the antidote to contempt if you are also using the Four Patterns handout.

References

• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown.
• Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown.
• Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.