Coping with Bereavement of a Spouse or Partner
A handout for adults, particularly in later life, who have lost a spouse or long-term partner. It explains what grief after a long partnership involves, the dual process of grieving and rebuilding, the practical and identity losses that accompany the death, and when grief may need additional help.
About this resource
The death of a spouse or long-term partner is among the most stressful life events a person can experience, and in later life it is one of the most common. Beyond the loss of the person, the surviving partner loses a daily companion, a shared history, a division of labour that may have lasted decades, a social identity as half of a couple, and often their primary source of practical and emotional support. Many also lose the person who would have helped them through a loss of this size.
This handout draws on Stroebe and Schut's dual process model (1999), which describes healthy grieving as oscillation between loss-oriented coping (feeling and expressing the grief, remembering, yearning) and restoration-oriented coping (managing the practical changes, learning new tasks, building a life that accommodates the absence). Both are necessary, and people often feel guilty about the second. It also draws on Bonanno's (2004) research showing that resilience after bereavement is common, and on the IPT approach to grief (Weissman, Markowitz and Klerman, 2018), which encourages a full and honest account of the relationship, including its difficulties, as part of mourning.
The professional version adds guidance on distinguishing normal grief from depression and from prolonged grief disorder, on the widowed client who was a long-term caregiver and whose grief is mixed with relief and exhaustion, and on suicide risk, which is elevated in the period after spousal bereavement, particularly in older men.
How to use it
- Use after the client has told you about their partner and the death in their own words, and after you have listened without moving to psychoeducation.
- Read the dual process section together. Ask whether the client has felt guilty about a good day or about managing practical matters efficiently. Normalise both.
- Invite an honest account of the relationship, including its hard parts. Idealisation can block grieving; permission to remember the whole person often brings relief.
- Identify the practical tasks the partner used to handle and plan how the client will learn or delegate them. Competence in these tasks supports adjustment.
- Use the reflection fields to identify the client's current supports and the ways they are keeping the partner present.
- Ask directly about thoughts of not wanting to go on. Where present, assess and safety plan. Monitor for persistent, unchanging grief beyond the first year.
References
- Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement: Rationale and description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197-224.
- Bonanno, G. A. (2004). Loss, trauma, and human resilience: Have we underestimated the human capacity to thrive after extremely aversive events? American Psychologist, 59(1), 20-28.
- Weissman, M. M., Markowitz, J. C., & Klerman, G. L. (2018). The Guide to Interpersonal Psychotherapy (updated and expanded ed.). Oxford University Press.
- Shear, M. K. (2015). Complicated grief. New England Journal of Medicine, 372(2), 153-160.
