Deciding Together: Shared Problem Solving
A step-by-step worksheet for couples to solve a specific practical problem together: define it, hear both perspectives, generate options without judging them, weigh them, choose, and plan who does what.
About this resource
Many couple arguments are about practical problems (money, chores, in-laws, schedules, parenting decisions) that never get solved because the conversation about them turns into a conflict about the relationship. Structured problem solving, drawn from problem-solving therapy and from cognitive behavioural couple therapy, separates the two. It gives the couple a sequence to follow that keeps the conversation on the problem, ensures both partners' concerns are on the table before any solution is discussed, and produces a concrete, time-limited plan that can be reviewed rather than a vague promise that fades.
This worksheet walks the couple through the sequence: defining the problem specifically and neutrally, each partner stating what matters to them about it, brainstorming options without evaluating them, weighing the shortlisted options against both partners' concerns, choosing one to try, and writing down the plan and a review date. The emphasis on stating underlying concerns before generating solutions is what distinguishes it from bargaining, and it is often the step that reveals the problem was not really about the dishes.
The professional version adds guidance on choosing a first problem of manageable size, on what to do when the 'problem' is actually a perpetual difference in values that cannot be solved and needs a different kind of conversation, and on managing the partner who arrives with the solution already decided.
How to use it
- Distinguish solvable problems from perpetual ones with the couple. Scheduling, division of tasks and a specific spending decision are solvable. Fundamental differences in values or personality are not, and need acceptance-based conversation rather than a plan. Use this worksheet only for the former.
- Choose a first problem that matters but is not the most loaded issue in the relationship. Early success with the method matters more than tackling the biggest problem.
- Work through the worksheet in session the first time. Enforce the sequence: no solutions until both partners' concerns are written down, and no evaluating during brainstorming.
- Make the final plan concrete: who, what, when, and what will happen if it does not work. Set a review date within two or three weeks.
- At the review, treat a plan that did not work as data. Return to the options list and try another, or revisit the concerns to see what was missed.
References
- D'Zurilla, T. J., & Nezu, A. M. (2007). Problem-Solving Therapy: A Positive Approach to Clinical Intervention (3rd ed.). Springer.
- Epstein, N. B., & Baucom, D. H. (2002). Enhanced Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Couples: A Contextual Approach. American Psychological Association.
- Jacobson, N. S., & Christensen, A. (1996). Integrative Couple Therapy: Promoting Acceptance and Change. W. W. Norton.
